Post by kentushaThe Divine Question
What motivation do I embrace, Question mark here ? not a comma.
just your stolen dignity to replace, Capital here.
What weight have words that are idle, Question mark here?
they are leaden upon my bridle, Are you a horse?
You have decided on idle words and idly found a word to fit. It isn't a
good stanza to start with. The poem appears to start off as a series of
questions, with answers. If you seriously intended those responses to some
pretty deep questions then they are worthy of fuller answers, perhaps more
thought out responses requiring more than six words that happen to have a
rhyme at the end of them.
Post by kentushaWhat act can undo the deed,
and with it your heart feed, Question mark here again?
None, will bring redemption, Fair enough, None - has no exceptions so
wihout exception, no need to mention this line.
But should the hand that wanted, Why start with a But?
to hold out a gift remain unduanted, Question mark
Then strike it off with one blow, Preferrably your writing hand.
and let the milk of my flesh flow, This is a cliche, and a poor one
at that.
Post by kentushaI have sown an evil seed,
but alone I cannot gather its weed, Utter tosh.
I will suffer as you please,
in unfathomable degress, The reader suffers more.
Only wishing your suffering to bear,
for all my days I swear, Pouty personal rubbish badly
put.
Post by kentushaPlease forgive the day,
that I took as if it was but prey. Very poor this.
My suggestion would be that you wrote this again without trying to force
rhyme into it. Instead chose different ways of saying what you mean using
latter day English. Once you've done that read it a dozen times and change
it each time until it reads like poetry.
If you want to make it rhyme then you have to work through your written
prose notes and think long and hard about how you could achieve the same
impact with rhyming sentences. It takes quite a while and quite a lot of
practice. The most obvious point, and it is often made to me too, is that
you need to read more poetry. What you express in this piece is an
emotional thing that you hoped to put into rhyme. By doing so you've lost
any emotion you wanted to express, and any credibility for your thought that
you may have had. Bottom line, try again, only this time try harder.
Regards
--
Scribbler.
"Silence may speak volumes, but it has no library."
David Hamilton
My poetry is at: http://www.wordsthatstay.net/scribbler.htm