Discussion:
Red Lipped Stranger / critique by Karla Rogers
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Will Dockery
2012-11-07 05:03:12 UTC
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In article
Will Dockery says...
Red Lipped Stranger
Her creep crawls
the narrow stairway
of the Candlelight Motel
to watch for her
from a window.
The above doesn't make sense - there's missing information. The creep (a
guy
following "her") crawls on some stairs of a motel to watch her from a
window? Is
the window in the staircase? Is he crawling while he's looking, which the
present tense "crawls" seems to indicate. I like the alliteration of
"creep
crawls" and "Candlelight". Also, "her creep" works well to show state of
mind,
the unhealthy mind at that, thinking there's a bond between himself and
whom
he's following.
Rethinking
his infatuation
but clinging
to his vision of her
as the red lipped stranger.
You do this a lot in your stuff - sentence fragments. In poetry, it rarely
works
well, and so I'm commenting on that since you've labeled this effort a
poem.
It's also a telling line, not a showing line. You're telling us that he's
rethinking...clinging. Consider getting inside his head and having him
spit out
thoughts that show the same thing. The reader has a nice surprise with the
last
line "as the red lipped stranger" realizing that the "creep" isn't the
stranger.
Also, wouldn't "red lipped" be hyphenated? Someone else weigh in on that.
Downstairs
the desk clerk's cat
slithers through
the service entrance.
This stanza, so far, seems superfluous.
The vampirate
on a motorbike
passes below
to the westbound bridge
werewolf on her back.
Some people like that (paraphrasing prettystuzz), but I think you've
dunked this
verse too far under water by referring to the vampirate and werewolf in so
short
of space. Your choice of course, but I'm thrown out of the weaving of the
poem
into a fabric by the (pop) naming. Consider suggesting by description the
vampirate and werewolf.
Ginger at riverbend
watches gunboats
smacks her foot
on the bright red clay.
This stanza feels pasted into the poem. If Ginger is the red lipped
stranger,
make it clear, otherwise you've introduced a new person, and seemingly
started a
new poem. Both her watching gunboats and smacking her foot on the bright
red
clay are good details, but I'm worried that I won't find out why we need
to know
that she smacked her foot on the clay. It's stuff like that the pops
readers out
of a piece. They'll maybe hold on for a bit, but they'll not trust you
unless
you fulfill it, answer the question. I admit to a suspicion that you
perhaps
meant another word besides "smacks", maybe a word suggesting that she's
tapping
her foot? It's perplexing.
Ginger gives good lyric
she wrote this poem
she's no bum.
I feel like we're still in a new poem here. What happened to the creep
watching
the stranger? With respect to craft, I have no comments.
But she's not there
on the other side
of the greenish wall.
Are we back in the creep's head? Ginger's not on the other side of a wall?
Why
did we take the diversion about Ginger at all. You will lose your audience
at
this point.
Through a three-inch-wall
he hears
bedsprings rattle
rustle of dry-hump,
some guy's mumbles.
Is this the creep listening?
Hears the fat blonde waitress
whip it in bondage
the sounds
lull him to sleep.
Is the fat blonde waitress the red lipped stranger? What is she whipping?
what
is "it"?
The hand of Uncle Sugar
still taking notes
as a new standard bearer
hands out trophies
to the winners.
If the creep is asleep, is the above stanza a dream? Uncle Sugar appears
to be
doing some automatic writing. "a new standard bearer" is boring, invokes
nothing. In fact, that audience that just left is lucky. Where once we had
some
mystery, there is meaningless detail. Why did we hear about the cat? the
couple
on the motorcycle? Ginger? Not much ties any of them together.
His trillion dollar gash
flakes from the bone
as gravity tears
a pound of dust.
Well, the creep is asleep, right? so we're talking about Uncle Sugar? Why
is it
important for us to know he has an expensive gash? the science of "gravity
tears
/ a pound of dust" isn't working as you've left it. Perhaps if you have
his bum
cheek brushing on a scythe in its downward descent.
Clings to a picture book
the missing part of himself
as if perpetually
anchored
to his invisible erection.
Here's a sentence fragment again. Are we back with the creep? It sounded
like
Uncle Sugar is done for in the stanza preceding this one, so who is
clinging to
a picture book? The lines are telling, not showing. The revelation should
be
riveting but its a dull thud.
At Lucky Seven Lounge
she tries
not to reveal herself
but she stubbornly clutches
her empty shoes.
Ginger or the red lipped stranger? The way you've written the sentence, it
sounds like "she" doesn't want to reveal herself but does so by clutching
her
empty shoes. The "but" is what does it. Is she revealed because they see
her
stubborness? her clutching shoes? both?
Something
seems missing
in the broad daylight
I have to mention that "in the broad daylight" made me think of Emmy Lou's
"Leavin' Louisiana in the Broad Daylight."
when the details
are displayed.
Is there a murder? Is the creep a serial killer who displays his victim?
All that remains are
her flat black hat
her oversized lantern
her broken laptop.
Had we seen these items earlier, they might mean more now that she's not
in the
scene (she is Ginger? the red lipped stranger?)
No poor boy on the street
can speak of her
or the island on the river.
Or about her return...
her resurrection.
I'm at the end and unsatisfied. You write it like a story but leave the
strands
shaking in the breeze. The focus moves from a stranger, we are with him
and then
suddenly we're with Ginger, and then Uncle Sugar, and then someone losing
flesh,
and geez, I can't remember. Can you see why this isn't working as a poem?
Even
at the end, I'm perplexed about why no one could speak of her. Nothing
convinces
me of that in any of the preceding lines. The best that can be said about
the
last lines are the alliteration: river, return, resurrection..."
Karla
-Will Dockery
Thanks to Karla Rogers for her very helpful critique of my "Red Lipped
Stranger" poem...

--
Over You / Will Dockery & The Shadowville All-Stars

Will Dockery
2012-12-11 02:43:29 UTC
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[QUOTE who="Vaccine"]<quoted text>
Will Dockery's music
[/QUOTE]

Glad you asked... heh.

Here's a good write-up on "Will Dockery music" by the writer Larry Caddel
recently nailed the connection quite well in his Columbus Community News
write-up:

http://alt.guitar.narkive.com/loyyp0OI/new-dennis-beck-band-surfing-mavericks

It was a hot and balmy Saturday night. The intermittent rain only
pushed the humidity level off the charts. I had heard good things
about Backyard Blues. Something was happening at a grassroots level.
After all, I received my invite courtesy of Will Dockery, Columbus'
poet laureate and Ralph Frank, our own drummer/sign painter/folk artist
extraordinaire.

Thomas Gottshall purchased the old "coin op" laundry and
accompanying garage-style building on Sixth Street and First Avenue.
He has been renovating and restoring the old building in hopes of
turning it into a music and arts complex. Floor plans have been
created featuring performance space, meeting rooms and a recording
studio. The building is made of brick and features a wooden-arched
roof.

The large main room has a small stage on one end and has surprisingly
good acoustics, thanks to the arched ceiling.

[...]

After several acoustic performers, the Shadowville All-stars took the
stage. This band of rock n' roll renegades are fronted by Will
Dockery who has long needed a launch pad for his eclectic,
imagery-laden, neo-beatific poems. Chain-smoking, spontaneously
gesturing towards make-believe objects and addressing imaginary
characters, Dockery sang with a gravel-throated limp to a rolling,
bluesy romp in the swamp. Sounding like a cross between Tom Waits, Lou
Reed and the soundtrack to Pulp Fiction, Dockery and crew chugged
through their myriad of originals about pool halls, bridges, tragedies,
lost love and relationships.

The music of the All-stars was gritty and down-to-earth: a solid
backbeat encircled by the meandering bass lines of Sam Singer and two
blues-infused electric guitars (one tremolo-heavy surf-induced). The
band was joined on stage by Henry Parker for a long, bombastic version
of Sweet Jane by the Velvet Underground.

I was glad to hear this crew of upstarts carving out musical sketches
of Smith-station, the Dillingham Street Bridge and other
Columbus-inspired landmarks. I hope to see a lot more of the
Shadowville All-stars. They kicked out the jams. -Larry Caddell
--
Gone Too Far / Dockery-Mallard-Snipe:
http://www.reverbnation.com/willdockery/song/11596860
Will Dockery
2016-12-03 08:35:03 UTC
Permalink
Raw Message
Here's a good write-up on "Will Dockery music" by the writer Larry Caddel
Post by Will Dockery
recently nailed the connection quite well in his Columbus Community News
http://alt.guitar.narkive.com/loyyp0OI/new-dennis-beck-band-surfing-mavericks
It was a hot and balmy Saturday night. The intermittent rain only
pushed the humidity level off the charts. I had heard good things
about Backyard Blues. Something was happening at a grassroots level.
After all, I received my invite courtesy of Will Dockery, Columbus'
poet laureate and Ralph Frank, our own drummer/sign painter/folk artist
extraordinaire.
Thomas Gottshall purchased the old "coin op" laundry and
accompanying garage-style building on Sixth Street and First Avenue.
He has been renovating and restoring the old building in hopes of
turning it into a music and arts complex. Floor plans have been
created featuring performance space, meeting rooms and a recording
studio. The building is made of brick and features a wooden-arched
roof.
The large main room has a small stage on one end and has surprisingly
good acoustics, thanks to the arched ceiling.
[...]
After several acoustic performers, the Shadowville All-stars took the
stage. This band of rock n' roll renegades are fronted by Will
Dockery who has long needed a launch pad for his eclectic,
imagery-laden, neo-beatific poems. Chain-smoking, spontaneously
gesturing towards make-believe objects and addressing imaginary
characters, Dockery sang with a gravel-throated limp to a rolling,
bluesy romp in the swamp. Sounding like a cross between Tom Waits, Lou
Reed and the soundtrack to Pulp Fiction, Dockery and crew chugged
through their myriad of originals about pool halls, bridges, tragedies,
lost love and relationships.
The music of the All-stars was gritty and down-to-earth: a solid
backbeat encircled by the meandering bass lines of Sam Singer and two
blues-infused electric guitars (one tremolo-heavy surf-induced). The
band was joined on stage by Henry Parker for a long, bombastic version
of Sweet Jane by the Velvet Underground.
I was glad to hear this crew of upstarts carving out musical sketches
of Smith-station, the Dillingham Street Bridge and other
Columbus-inspired landmarks. I hope to see a lot more of the
Shadowville All-stars. They kicked out the jams. -Larry Caddell
--
http://www.reverbnation.com/willdockery/song/11596860
Okay, here's that Larry Caddell write up...

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